Eat ALLmonds

November 13, 2015

I just had an epiphany. Almonds are called ALLmonds because you need to eat ALL of them to be the king of kings. Have you ever noticed that if someone puts a bowl of 10 roasted salted almonds in front of you, you eat ALL of them? If they put down 30 almonds you eat ALL of them? There is literally a bio-physio-chemico connection between the human branium and the almondite (the material that almonds are made of) which causes humans to be unable to resist their lure (salamanders and chimps are immune to this effect due to the pact formed during the times of the fish wars.)

Almonds are high in potassium, fat, protein, carbohydrate, amino acids, minerals, nuts, bromium, compounds and elements, making them unbeatable as a source of food.

Studies have shown that only eating some of the almonds in front of you is not only impossible, but has caused negative effects such as shame and sorrow in the people who have done it.

In ancient Mesopotamia, foods were named in an instructional manner; thus, Almonds are supposed to be ALL eaten – just as Salmon is really good for people named SAM, and mountain dew is designed to be drunk on a mountain. Did you know, that dairy is so named because people used to dare each other to drink milk? Can you imagine trying to sneak up on a pregnant wild buffalo to milk it?

Pay more attention to the names of foods my friend, they are all derived from ancient wisdom.

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Human drag racing

October 3, 2013

At the weekend I went to watch some drag racing. The noisy 12,000 horse power ultimate speed vehicles always fill me with awe. And then it hit me. These cars are fast and powerful because they are noisy. Newton or Einstein proved millions of years ago that noise creates power. This is also true in the gym, listen out to the source of the loudest grunting and screaming in your local sweat box and turn your head in that direction you’re sure to see the hugest, most muscular dude around causing that noise-power.

To experiment with this, I did a placebo controlled, double blind experiment. I wanted to test whether sprinting quietly, or whilst screaming at maximum amplitude would cause the best performance. I wrote the two test conditions on slips of identical paper (‘screaming’ and ‘quietly’), then folded them up, shuffled, and selected one at random. This is the ‘double-blind’ part, since I did not know which slip of paper I had received. I opened the slip of paper and read it. I was going to perform the screaming experiment first. I inserted earplugs, then donned an audacious pair of noise isolating ear defenders. This is the ‘placebo controlled’ part of the experiment, since my ear holes would not be able to detect if I was screaming or silent.

I measured out 50 metres and prepared myself at the start line, before lening down, pumping my arms, and accelerating at maximum pace, whilst screaming at maximum intensity. Strings of saliva ringed my mouth as I heaved out air through my warbling vocal chords. I crossed the finish line, and immediately turned round and sprinted back to the start line – the 2nd 50m experiement, this time, with no noise. I silently crossed the finish line.

To my absolute astonishment, the ‘silent’ time, was over 2 seconds slower than the ‘noisy’ time.

SCREAMING CREATED POWER INSIDE MY LEG BONES.

The implications for this are immense, and I just cannot wait to try creating more noise in every situation which requires power or strength (mowing the lawn, bodybuilding, washing the car, powerlifting, etc). The next time I can’t hear someone working out in the gym, I’m just gonna laugh at them, really loudly.

Chains for power

May 13, 2013

It’s been a while…I’ve been busy progressing in the gym, this time adding weights to my dips and pullups using a dipping belt and chains.

 Studies have shown that adding weight to a workout could actually increase your strength under certain conditions, for a certain percentage of the population. So I decided to give it a try.

 

The procedure I followed was this:

  • Warm up with 10 sets of 10 reps body weight exercises. It is important to be VERY warm before attempting weighted workouts
  • Construct the chain equipment as follows (this takes about half an hour)
    • Adjust the dipping belt padding to ensure a comfortable fit –add extra foam if needed
    • Extend the chain length by adding several carabineers to the chain – this is essential to get the chain to the correct length. Carefully measure each caribeener to ensure the correct length is attained – I use Vernuier calipers for this. Carefully screw in and lock down the caribeeners and have a partner check for safety.
    • Double up the chain with a second chain and more caribeeners, for safety. Just in case the first set breaks
    • Carefully calibrate the weights – gym weights can fluctuate and you need to measure your progress accurately. Bring digital scales into the gym and weight each weight disc 3 times, taking an average.
    • Write a diary entry explain your mood, energy, goals, any animals you have seen that day, etc
    • Now we are warmed up and ready to LIFT!

So although I did make progress in strength using this method, I accidentally discovered a much more powerful psychological effect. I feel this knowledge is hard to come by and can revolutionise the way you think about training forever, but I’ll share it with you for free.

The clanking sound of the chains literally exploded my mind to new heights of physiological endurance and strength. That’s right. The feeling, texture, taste and sound of clanking chains caused real measurable changes in my workout that more silent clothing would not have. Looking down to a big bundle of steel plates between my legs, hearing the clash of heavy metal chains and I smash them together underneath me, and wrapping the cold hard steel links around my knuckles before every set made me feel like a BEAST.

 The first rule of science is to test your hypothesis, so I’m going to get even bigger chains next week and measure my energy and lifting capacity. I’ve ordered some heavy duty black plated welded chain for next week, and I already have sourced a supplier for some shipping anchor chain for the week after. I also plan to try working out whilst wearing a chainmail vest, trousers and head piece and I can only imagine the power that so much clanking metal will give me.

 

Stand by for the results.

 

 

There are lots of things I read but don’t believe, and recently I was shocked to discover that one of these is actually true; the phenomenon of half body training.

Studies have shown that training just half of your body has a cross-over effect, resulting in almost equal strength gains in the other half. The implications of this are huge, since you can save time in the gym by doing just 1 armed bicep curls.

Also, I imagine that if you trained both sides of your body together you would get literally infinitely better results, since the left side would have a cross over effect on the right side, which would cause a strength gain in the left side, which would improve the right side. And so on. This echoing of strength gains could cause phenomenal increases in strength.

I’m not sure what would happen to someone who only had 1 arm or leg to begin with…maybe they would get a phantom massive leg (the human branium is unable to distinguish reality from perception, hence it is possible to think you have 1 massive leg, when you really do not). Even if they really did have 1 massive leg, that would be great, and much more desirable to having 1 tiny leg.

Even now, I am only typing with 1 finger, which although taking twice the time, is undoubtedly causing massive strength gains in my opposite finger.

So, phantom massive leg syndrome aside, 1-sided training, or ‘unicornical’ training to give it its scientific name, has the potential to revolutionise workouts forever. I predict that soon gyms will be half the size, offering specially adapted 1-sided weights and machines….even drive through gyms could prosper as the ability to work out 1 arm through the drivers window of a car would carry effects over to the other arm.

I’ll spend this week testing different protocols, such as taping one of my eyes shut to improve performance in the other eye.

Quite Good Vibrations

November 14, 2011

Homeopaths believe that water has a “memory” which can be activated through shaking, or “vibrating” the water. This makes sense, since ‘vibration’ rhymes with ‘hydration’.

This got me thinking, if homeopathy can literally lift diseases out of people through the magic of ‘vibration’, then why cant us humans also make use of vibrating energy to self heal, and maybe even bench press a bit more?

I experimented at the gym by standing on a vibration plate whilst trying to ‘remember’ the exercises I’m not able to complete. To my astonishment, this had no effect. I used time as a variable, and stood on the plate for 30, 90, and 3600 seconds. The longer duration seemed to trigger the effect, as all of a sudden, I suddenly felt my water become “active”. As we are literally full of water this is quite a powerful effect, as there must be literally hundreds of water molecules inside of our body cavities.

Once the water had activated (I knew this from the tingly feeling), I then attempted the bench press and found that I was able to lift the highest weight I have ever lifted between 1982 and 2010.

I once bought a box of sticks in a Chinese supermarket, and the man said that one is supposed to shake the box really really hard until eventually a stick pops out, and on it is written your fortune, except he said that sometimes all of sticks would all fall out and go everywhere in get in my bowl of cheesy beans and I’d have to lick the sticks clean but might get a splinter in my tongue. Maybe it is the power of shaking or ‘vibration’ that allows our muscles to predict the future.

Other health benefits of vibration must be present, such as increased proprioceptive feedback and joint lubrication, as well as muscle massage. All of these benefits, together with water activation give a power package that is not to be ignored. I’ve developed a secret strategy to leverage these effects which will leave other athletes quaking in their shoes. I won’t divulge the secret, but let’s just say that it involves sleeping on a vibration plate.

Full contact shaving

November 3, 2011

I’ve recently been shaving. I’ve noticed that I can shave perfectly well, but I’m still not satisfied…I want to deepen my knowledge and technique and have a more aggressive shave. And by aggressive, I mean brutal. You have to be brutal to your hairs. Scientists have shown that hairs evolved from bears, which is why today man is has a natural fear and respect for grizzly bears. By aggressively tackling the problem of hair we can eradicate this fear and live in harmony. But what exactly constitutes an aggressive shave?

I’ve done much reading on the topic and have found that one of the first principles is the ‘stroke’. I immediately stopped reading as its perfectly obvious what this is all about. Apparently you have to stroke in different directions to get a better shave. We all know how much bears like being stroked, so this makes perfect sense. You can have an upwards stroke, a downwards stroke, and a side to side stroke. But this is only 4 strokes…how can we get even more aggressive with only 4 strokes? Clearly, we need more dimensions to stroke in. Time is a dimension, so by stroking the razor quickly or slowly we have invented 2 more strokes. Gravity is also a dimension, so by stroking during a zero G orbit or on a hyperbolic flight that’s a seventh dimension. If you don’t have access to a hyperbolic flight, Just jump up as high as you can, then shave whilst falling down, that should give you a short period of weightlessness.

Apart from strokes, we can make the shave meaner by using a further extended blade. Apparently, the further the blade sticks out from the razor housing, the better – this is full contact shaving. You can buy razors with adjustable blade lengths, but I decided to make my own. I taped 18 razor blades together and glued that onto a handle. Although quite awkward to use, it really does stick our quite far, and gives extremely high contact with my face.

Finally, we can improve the shave by taking the hairs by surprise. Everything our branium thinks is sent out as neural messages to our body. If we think ‘water’, our thirst gland starts to pulsate. If we think ‘shave’, our hairs start to recess into our body to evade the razor. Just don’t even think about it.

Cold therapy

July 8, 2011

 

I have recently been enduring cold therapy; icy showers, sleeping in the fridge, etc, and I have identified the 4 stages of cold exposure:

1.       Fear

The thought of entering cold water is terrifying. If you stopped to think about it for too long you would never do it. This stems from when humans and fish were at war in the olden days. You start trying to pump yourself up, but then you think NO, I am NOT getting in that shower. But then you get super pumped and get right in the shower! Hard!

2.       Pain

This hurts. Sometimes when the water is really cold it literally destroys your energy. Your skin goes red, you shiver violently, and your mammalian reflex kicks in, making you pant, hard. This reflex protected us during the fish wars but is now superfluous. You try to get pumped but your perception of time gets warped and your target of staying in the shower for 3 minutes seems impossible after just a few seconds. You stand perfectly still, growl and roar, and clench your fists with introverted rage.

3.       Numbness

The pain subsides. You get used to the cold. You even get a little bored. Just DON’T move. Only the part of your body under the water has acclimatized and any new body parts getting cold will start you again in stage 2. After a few minutes you lose the sensation in your skin. This mechanism protected us during the fish wars.

4.       Exhilaration

Now you get pumped. And by pumped I mean exhilarated. You think fuck YEAH. This is a pseudo-memory invoked by the spirit of the fish warriors. You still can’t wait to get out of the cold, but now you are kind of enjoying it too.

 

If you’ve never tried fish before, do it NOW. And by fish I mean cold showers.

 

The benefits of alcohol

September 23, 2010

Alcohol was the first element discovered by man, before fire, water, or silicon. Alcohol is used by remote jungle tribes to prevent obesity, clean spears and invoke animal spirits.

There is a lot of bad press about alcohol but when used right it can be beneficial. Alcohol is the bodys preferred source of fuel as it is burnt before fat, carbs or protein  100% FACT. Alcohol, or ‘Dave Stewartson juice’, named after its inventor, is the main ingredient in haribo gummy bears, although more than 99.9 % of it is burned off during production, leaving only the bear extracts behind.

When alcohol is entered into the body through the alimenatry canal or other orifice, it actually spurs an increase in metabolism which enhances performance. I have experiemented with drinking rum in my coffee whilst working out and it seems to have an extraordinary effect; I enter into a trance like state and feel no pain, and for about an hour I am the most hardcore fitness buff in the gym.

There is 1 strange side effect I have noticed, which is that after drinking a lot of alcohol I feel kind of sick afterwards, like if I drink alcohol in the evening I dont feel 100% the next morning. I’m not sure if this is correlated or pure coincidence yet but I plan to do more research to find out what is causing these random bouts of headaches and dehydration. i have found though, that drinking more alcohol actually gets rid of these illness symptoms very quickly, proving its healing proporties.

Whilst i wait to get checked out by a doctor to find out whats causing my morning sicknesses, I will continue to keep drinking more alcohol in the morning to combat the mystery illness. I take a shot of rum with my other supplements and it seems to ease the symptoms very quickly, although I need to top up with a couple more shots later in the day too. Alcohol really does have some kind of special healing property if it can make me feel so much better so quickly….so I urge you to try it for yourself!

Over the years I have tried many different workout regimes, most based on scientific research, but several based on web forums, rumours and just pure experimentation. One common driving factor is to try to achieve as MUCH as possible; MORE sets, MORE weight, MORE variety. Whilst an apparently worthy goal on the surface, I have come to realise that sometimes less is more. To take it 1 step further, nothing is everything.

I simplified my workout to hone in on the skills that matter most and focus 100% of my attention on them; cutting down from doing 37 exercises to just 4. I have cut my workouts down from several hours to just half an hour.

Still not enough.

I am trying to achieve the no-technique perfection. The simplest form of exercise, where no exercise actually occurs. This is fairly difficult to do in practice and I have spent many hours trying to get to the point where I am doing no exercise without success, but I am getting closer.

By training very hard and with deep focus and great concentration it is possible to achieve the art of exercising without exercising. This ultimate expression of simplicity allows one to focus all of ones effort into a single point rather than spreading it thin. It is difficult for beginners to understand that doing nothing can improve health fitness and strength, but it is true.

Think about it scientifically, if you spend 5 hours working out, with 5 sets of 5 reps on 5 exercises in each workout, that is 5 hours of effort divided by (5x5x5) = 0.04 units of effort per exercise. If you do no exercise that is 0 divided by 0 = infinity!

So apart from getting more rest, having a clearer and more focussed mind you also get infinitely more exercise by doing no exercise! I am so pumped by this idea that I think my brain is actually shaping my body just by thinking about it. I got up this morning and realised I had lost 4 pounds of fat already, and my weight lifting ability has probably gone through the roof. Of course I will never actually find out my strength increase because I’m not lifting any weights…

but that’s the beauty of it!

None legged squats

January 11, 2010

I have been quiet for the past couple of months because I have been doing 1 legged squats. I plotted a graph of my exercises versus gains, and to my surprise, found that 1 legged squats gave me a lot more gains than ordinary squats;

Using half the legs gave twice the results!

Therefore, logically, using no legs would give a whopping 400% gain. But how can this be achieved in practice? Here are some tips:

  • Jump in the air as you perform your reps, for example, whilst doing a bicep curl, jump as high as you can, then quickly curl the weight up before landing.
  • Perform the negative part of the rep on the ground, and the contraction in mid air.
  • Remember to breathe
  • Use a lighter weight than normal, as going none-legged will challenge you much more
  • If you already have no legs, you already have an advantage

As we know, moving from a solid floor to a swiss ball provides a less stable surface, which means you need to activate your core muscles more to cope with the instability. Air is much less stable than a swiss ball, so by doing exercises in mid air not only are you working your muscles harder, your core has to cope with the less stable surface as well…bonus! So…

If you’re not making enough gains, just use less legs

Get oaked

November 2, 2009

If you have ever washed a whisky across your taste buds, swilled a salubrious rum, or inhaled a fine pinot noir betwixt palette and glass, you will know the effect that oak wood can have on wines and spirits, allowing refined aging as the liquor acquiesces to the infiltration of smoky character.

Contact with wood puts us literally in touch with our primal ancestry (all humans evolved from trees), as well as imparting a unique character, and improving night vision through darkness customisation. To test these effects I will be nocturnally inhabiting a B grade American oak barrel which I acquired from Ricky the Hat last week, it has some sticky red residue left in it but after cleaning should be fine.

Studies have show that aging is caused by the passing of time, and since humans ‘age’, I believe they should do so within the dim confines of a bourbon tun, so that the osmosis effect can begin drawing out my toxins. Studies have shown that wood aging can make your body more robust, and by robust I mean huge. I hope to wood-age myself 6 months and see what happens.

If drinks improve with oaking, why cant we?

“Did you know every cup of coffee contains 40 grams of saturated fat?”

I saw this poster up at my local LA Fitness gym, and I was SHOCKED.

I never knew that coffee was so fattening, so now I’m going to try to reduce my intake dramatically, it’s going to be hard to resist grinding up my Jamaican Blue Mountain, but we all know that fat is the #1 killer in the world.

So apart from coffee, what can I drink? Personally I like to drink extra wet water which is really expensive at my local health food store, I can actually feel the additional moisture coursing through my body, they must have been literally pouring the hydrogen into that bad boy.

Another option is to drink your own urine, which is totally sterile (surgeons use it to prevent germs living in their hair).

But what will happen if you don’t drink? Well, as I once learned, your L5-S1 disc will probably burst out of your lumbar.

It was 2001, and I had not had ANYTHING to drink. I was in a rush. I was going on holiday very shortly and wanted to complete the worlds biggest hardest workout so I could get uber buff for my holiday. I loaded up a bar with my own body weight.

I am going to tell you what happened next.

I BOUNCED the bar off the floor with a rounded back and felt a SEVERE TWANG. I knew I had injured myself badly, but decided to finish my workout by 20 back hyperextensions. I left the gym and progressively lost the ability to lift my legs without excruciating pain. I manually dragged my leg into my car but couldn’t press the clutch pedal, so drove home by forcing the car into gear and stalling it. I got home, ly down on the floor and fell asleep. When I woke up I couldn’t get up. I got an ambulance to hospital and had gas and air, emergency physiotherapy. My disc had BURST out and OBLITERATED my sciatic nerve. I couldn’t walk for two days and have been in pain for 7 years, requiring epidural steroid injections.

All because I didn’t drink any water that day.

Be warned.

Neuro-receptors

October 29, 2009

I have been reading a lot of research about the neurological system recently, and it has come to fruition in my training, with a 0.100% increase in strength.

“Marsupial braces!” I exclaimed under my breath as I witnessed Johan Callamax do another stomach push up.

I was at a seminar in the garage of former body builder Johan, with a select few other fitness enthusiasts. He was demonstrating the culmination of years of research which finally decrypt how the body works. Studies have shown that within the next decade, we will finally unlock the knowledge of how our muscles work, and how babies develop DNA, but for now, the chances look strong that it all revolves around what’s called a ‘neural pathway’ system.

I won’t blind you with science but instead give you this angstrom of information as an example; your facial expression can have a direct effect on your strength. The neuro receptors on the back of your face actually monitor muscle and joint movements over 124 times a second, and then transmit that information back to the branium, where it is decoded and sent back to the muscles (all of this happens in just a few seconds).

Squeezing your eyebrows together makes your hip abductors relax and your hip adductors contract. Flaring your nostrils makes the nerve bundle in your buttocks release, allowing your quads to contract harder.

Experiment during your workouts to find a combination that will enhance you. These principles apply all over the body, not just the face. Literally all the time your body is collecting proprioceptive information about the location of your joints and position of muscles, and this has an effect on all of your body systems, literally.

Next time you shrug your shoulders up whilst deadlifting, and grimace threateningly at the ceiling, think about the reaction this is having on your strength.

You’ve got to hate it.

October 27, 2009

 Sometimes I catch myself doing something I enjoy, and I beat myself severely.

 Most readers will know this, but I’m going to say it anyway: you ONLY get benefit from doing things you HATE.

 A quick example: Once, I was forced to do sprints as FAST as I could, and I nearly THREW UP, but the next day my bench press was 20% MORE than it used to be several months earlier!!!

 Doing things you like can release endolphins, which can be good for you and the environment, however, they also RELAX you, and when your body is soft and relaxed, it can NEVER achieve peak performance (shotokan karate demonstrated this many millenia ago). In order to get very tense and hard, you have to be very intolerant of the activity you are doing. The more you dislike your pastimes, the more your branium will be challenged as it has to constantly overcome boredom and learn to self-stimulate.

 If you kind of enjoy what you do, you have to try 300% HARDER to dislike it.

 You are probably thinking “I don’t not dislike working out” but that’s not good enough, the very fact that you are refraining from disliking it means you don’t not like it. Don’t hold back. Just let out the rage and force yourself to do things you hate. It’s hard, but you gotta do hard to be hard. You might need some help and encouragement in doing things you really don’t want to do, but its better to have a workout partner who you HATE, for the same reasons as above.

De-centralise your brainium

September 16, 2009

Following the successes of decentralised governments and decentralised computing, I thought about how the paradigm of decentralisation could be applied to workouts. For those who are unfamiliar with the principle, de-centralisation advocates taking control away from one large singular point and spreading it out across many points. What does this mean in practice?

Studies have shown that  ‘body’ is controlled by a ‘central nervous system’; notice the word ‘central’ – this is bad. It’s bad because it is all in 1 place (the brainium), and it’s bad because it makes you nervous. By having a centralised control system your body has no backup plan – if that system fails you are screwed. Additionally, it can suffer from performance bottlenecks where multiple processes cannot be processed as effectively as they could be if each one were handled independently. You want to try to shut down your CNS and totally deactivate it. Totally ignore it, and redevelop your own new system for body control…a decentralised system.

So how do you de-centralise your nervous system? If I had to give you a one-word answer, I’d say it was pretty difficult. You have to train yourself to NOT use you habitual neural pathways. Whenever you execute a physical movement, try to identify where the instruction which caused that movement is coming from, and redirect it. You want to try to get your limbs to move on their own instead of being controlled by your brainium. The trick is to consciously stop your brainium from producing thoughts…without thinking about it. If you think about not thinking, you have fallen into a common trap in that you are actually thinking more than you think.

Eventually, with practice, you will be able to develop a series of ‘micro brains’ within your limbs themselves (ever seen someone who can pat their head whilst rubbing their stomach, or play a didgeridoo? That’s because they have grown additional micro brains).

Once you have grown micro brains in your limbs you will be able to workout MUCH more effectively, for instance bench pressing with 1 arm, curling with 1, and dipping with the other. I haven’t been able to grow any other micro brains myself yet, but I have experimented with performing 2 exercises at once, during my routine whilst doing cramping ply hops, shafting steam curls, philtering bow legs, unilateral reverse pyramid constant load multi-jack hammer throw downs, and other common exercises.

Try it….but don’t think about it.

Today, I did pullups on a weight assisted pullup machine – the kind where you stand on a platform which can help to lift you up.

After a few sets with no assistance I got tired, and set the weight to 5kg to give me a tiny amount of assistance in lifting me up.

Now, I’m going to explain what happened next very carefully.

I am about to describe a phenomenon which will improve your workouts by 300%*.

Here is what happened:

I tried to pull myself up with all my might…and I COULDN’T!!

I wondered what was occurring. I looked up towards the ceiling, crossed my legs behind me, inhaled, and heaved up.

Still NOTHING!!!

I am going to tell you what happened next.

I wondered why I COULDN’T do 1 REP, even though a few minutes earlier I did SEVERAL REPS!!!!

I got angry with myself and thought I had to work HARDER!!!!!

So I DID.

All of a sudden, I FLEW UPWARDS!!!!!! And went on to complete over FIVE AND A HALF REPS, EASILY!!!!!!!

After I dismounted, I analysed the events of the preceding minute and discovered what had happened – I had discovered the theory of RESTRICTIVE THOUGHT.

The simple effect of the platform lightly touching my feet caused me to feel that I wasn’t being given much upward lift (true), and that made me enter into a NEGATIVE STATE OF MIND. Basically I got so anti-pumped that I PERSUADED MYSELF that I couldn’t complete a rep!!!!!!!!

As soon as I ignored the platform resting lightly on my feet, I ACTIVELY DECIDED to lift myself up, and I DID!!!!!!!!! Of course I left the platform trailing behind, but I just had to understand that I did not need that to assist me, that I could let it go.

Whatever constraints are in your situation, they are only in your mind. As soon as you give up all thought and acknowledge none of these outside constraints and focus only on the specific activity you have set out to do, you can achieve literally ANYTHING!!!!!!!!!!*

*not guaranteed

I recently bumped into someone who told me he is going be in ‘the cathlon’. I have to admit that at first I had no idea what a cathlon is, but I quickly realised it must be some kind of initiation ceremony. I didn’t need to look it up as I can imagine exactly what sort of trials might be included in a cathlon. I would imagine they are –spartan-esque feats of endurance and performance along the following lines:

  • Duelling a fellow competitor whilst both standing on 10 foot high 1 inch wide poles
  • Hauling an immense boulder for 2 miles
  • Sprinting up a hill 42 times
  • Enduring intense psychological torture like having someone scream in your face whilst you are bathed in other peoples sweat, immediately following which you were forced to slay a herd of dog sized ants

Studies have shown that events like these can help to free endolphins. Endolphins are natures performance enhancers – they are a chemical hormone that squirts inside your chest making you bigger, faster and more tolerant to pain and bad moods. I guess the reason why dolphins are always smiling is that dolphins have more Endolphins than any other species. There are other ways to obtain endolphins than eating dolphin organs (please do not try – this is illegal and is why tuna fishing had to be regulated). Basically anything extremely traumatic for your body, like a car crash, will help. Obviously extreme physical trials like cathlons are more convenient, pleasurable and affordable than a car crash.

Anyway, the guy I was talking to was trying to convince me that he was performing 10 trials in his cathlon, which would certainly be an achievement for any Jedi or Spartan, let alone a 21st century urban dweller. Unfortunately, the ceremony is very secret, as I could not persuade the guy to reveal the true nature of the events; he was trying to disguise them by calling them ‘swimming’, etc. Several minutes of intense bartering and even offers of bribes did not persuade him to reveal the truth, and actually made him quite angry. That just goes to show how dedicated he is to the cause. Whichever type of group or association has invented this ‘cathlon’ trial, I urge you to seek them out, as they can teach you more about discipline than I can.

The Agricultural Run

August 11, 2009

You may have heard of the exercise “the farmers walk”; this is essentially a type of “walk” whilst carrying two farmers. This kind of behaviour may have been perfectly fine in the middle ages, but today, not only are farmers more difficult to find, but our bodies require much more workforce than in previous years. Since we have evolved to eat cereals and use farm machinery, we need to workout in the same manner as our crops are processed in order to fully express our genes.

That’s why I have developed the ‘Agricultural run’ Here’s what to do:

  1. Set a treadmill to maximum speed
  2. Get 2 very heavy dumbbells – around 35kg is ideal
  3. JUMP on the treadmill and start running, hard

This process simulates being a stalk of maize being swayed by the wind, before finally being whisked up by a combine harvester and crushed. It’s very important to undergo the same process as your food in order to achieve symbiosis between nutrition and workouts. Studies have shown that if you don’t understand your food, you can NEVER fully utilise that food.

Feel free to experiment with other workouts which replicate food processing, after all if corn can do it, why can’t we?

New technique

August 6, 2009

I invented a new technique whilst working out yesterday. It requires a large rubber band, the kind used for yoga stretching. Wrap the band around a smith machine bar set at just below waist height, then step inside the loop of the band you created.

Now walk backwards, resisting the tension of the band. Keep moving away from the smith machine until the band is under extreme tension. I have heard that ‘Hooke’s law’ can help you to calculate the extent to which you can safely stretch the band, and I heard that Cole’s Law is also quite good, but I haven’t had a chance to try either of these yet.

Then, launch yourself forwards with maximum force. As the bar of the smith machine approaches you, leap over it. Repeat 3 times.

This technique trains your muscles in resisting the band, your reflexes in avoiding the bar, and your tendon/ligament strength when you have to decelerate.

I have noted that some gym-goers who are less enlightened dont understand the purpose of this technique and can be amused or confrontational about it, especially when you first start, and missing the bar is quite difficult. For that reason you might want to try this in a quiet place first.

You can also reverse this technique to train the opposite muscles – run away from the bar as hard as you can until the tension cannot be overcome and snaps you back towards it. This technique also conditions your body to withstands impact so would be suitable for kung fu training programs.

Dropping the kids off

July 29, 2009

Sometimes you need to drop one off, hard. And by that I mean lay a cable. Contrary to common belief, pooping is good, because everything in your body is toxic. Toxins in your body can not only jeopardise your health they can also impede your progress, so you need to expel every last ounce of toxin in your system.

To fully flush out your system may be difficult to achieve at first, as some people have a very bad diet and only poop 3 or 4 times a day. Build up slowly to 8 or 9 times a day. 70% of your diet should be all bran at first, and when heaving you need to push VERY hard. It also helps to hover above the porcelain mouth to allow blood to flow to your legs; blood flow is THE most important factor in toxin removal.

If you do expel a tremendous monstrosity of a beast in one swift motion, you may feel disconcerted at the sudden feeling of vacuousness within you. Don’t panic. This is normal, its just that your body has become used to feeling ‘full’ and needs to readjust to the lack of toxins.

Tip: Aim to birth a terrifically large fiend into the bleached canal of your toilet: studies have shown that heaving out a brute removes more toxins than crimping off a nugget. Try to make a ‘builder’; that is to resist the first urge to evacuate and wait for as long as possible, but not more than 2 days. By this time the process should be complete and you can release the stool.

Sometimes you may experience ‘weekers’- that’s what I call turds that make you screech “weeeeeek” – which can be a curiously painful 1st experience. Again, this is nothing to worry about and although it may rupture a ring piece it shouldn’t cause you to acquiesce to the demands of your bowel.

After practising Hyper-regular fouling for a few weeks, you will require 1 week of ‘turd loading’. This is to ensure your body does not get too low on toxins, which can cause you to go into a mild type of shock which might impede progress. Studies have shown that by ‘keeping’ or ‘building’ the poop inside your body you can reabsorb some of the nutrients that would otherwise have been lost. This also allows you time to regain the musculature of your sphincter. This can be achieved by inserting a spring and clenching down on it.

In summary, don’t be scared of the bowl, it is your friend; drop as regulalrly as possible to purge toxins from your system.

Occams razor

July 29, 2009

The other day I was in a bookshop in my lunch break just reading, and I overheard a couple talking bout occams razor and how it makes everything seem simple. This makes perfect sense, using a razor is not unknown in sports – swimmers have removed all of their body hair for years, to leverage the anti-gravity effect this has on them in the water.

So razors are compatible with sports. And obviously, simplicity is a desirable factor as an extreme lack of simplicity can sometimes lead to complexity.

So I went to my local chemist to get an Occams razor, I couldn’t find any there or in the supermarket so I just got the next best brand. I shaved my entire body to make it devoid of hair, or ‘simple’. I have to say this really works! Just knowing that your form is more simple puts you in a zen like frame of mind, and this new, simple, you will then be able to achieve your goals without the limiting factor of hair confounding your thoughts.

Dangerous Air

July 24, 2009

Air is the most lethal thing on the planet.

Some of you may be surprised by that statement as it goes against conventional wisdom. Of course, air gives us life, but it is also the single most damaging compound to our bodies. Slowly, year by year, the effect of oxygen ravages our bodies. Chemical reactions mean that oxygen acts as a carcinogen, as well as oxygenating our bodies. You can see this effect by opening a bottle of wine; 10 minutes after opening the wine tastes nice. After a few days or weeks, it has turned to rancid acid simply through contact with air. The same applies to humans.

Exactly how this happens is just one of the mysteries of life, like chromosomes, DNA and babies. Modern scientific studies are starting to get close, but only scratching the surface. For example, a very recent study has shown that restricting the amount of calories you eat can have massive health benefits. If you give a monkey 30% less calories than it wants, it has increased health, energy and life expectancy, with less chance of disease. I believe the same is true for oxygen restriction.

Breathing less is an easy way to increase your health, although it requires concentration and training.

WARNING: if whilst practising these techniques, you start to die, stop immediately and see a doctor.

When working out, try breathing half as often as you want to e.g. when sprinting hold each breath for 4 seconds. This will increase your lung capacity and fitness and reduce your risk of injury and disease. In every day life, practise holding your breath, not until uncomfortable, but just slightly longer than usual.

Breathe, slower, deeper, shallower, less often.  Breathe into your chest, not your stomach, breathe through only 1 nostril to economise consumption. When walking, aim to get 30 steps to the breath. Breathe… SOFTER.

Oxygen can be quite good for us in the short term, but in the long term, just say no.

Home workouts

July 24, 2009

I have read a lot about working out in your own home recently, and I have to say that I am concerned about this new trend.

Working out was only invented in 1969, around the same time that gyms were. Clearly it is unsafe to workout in a home environment as it is simply not designed to occur outside the carefully planned weight room.

I believe we should follow the behaviour patterns of our ancestors, and clearly, Neanderthals did not work out. Most companies which invent weight lifting equipment such as Weider and Nautilus were only invented in the late 20th century, so it is clearly impossible that anyone before this time could have performed a workout.

Apart from that fact, take the efficiency of the movements; do you really think that using objects such as tinned food, rocks or pales of water can be as effective as a Smith machine? Of course not. A smith machine is designed to get you huge. A Rock is designed to just sit there.

Another factor is safety. The gym is full of highly trained people ready to assist you if you need help, whereas at home there are no safety nets or fallbacks. If you screw up, you’re literally dead.

Of course, working out at home is cheap, convenient and effective, but that doesn’t mean we should actually do it, just because a load of web sites rave on about it. Be wary of what you read on the internet, there are plenty of nuts out there

Posture correcting

July 24, 2009

Whilst writing this blog, I am acutely aware of my posture. Sitting at a desk all day is the WORST thing you can possibly do, even worse than deadlifts, which we all know are the worlds most lethal activity. However, you can stop the degeneration to your body caused by office posture, and even reverse it.

Studies have shown that you can correct an imbalance by doing the exact opposite of what caused it. For example, if you sit at a desk all day you need to do the exact opposite of sitting at a desk, i.e. bending your legs behind you, stretching your arms behind you, looking up at the ceiling.

Some people claim they cant bend their back in half, or do the splits, but I can tell you that its just laziness. I once saw a great Tae-Kwon-Do demonstration where the master pulled a volunteer from the audience and promised to show him how to achieve the splits. He asked the guy to sit on the floor with the soles of his feet touching, then the master JUMPED on his knees, forcing them down to the floor in one quick motion. Of course, the guy passed out and moaned for a bit. Apparently he couldn’t walk for 2 weeks. But after that he could do the splits!

But back to the office, other common activities which can cause problems are photocopying which can cause paralysis, and answering the telephone too much, which can cause lordosis. These can be corrected though, simply by forcing yourself into extreme positions to counteract the office posture.

Posture is only relevant due to gravity, so another easy solution to improve your posture is to work in a low gravity environment, such as a swimming instructor or jet fighter pilot.

Remember that the key to good posture is being aware of your joints, and obviously awareness follows visual acuity. If you don’t look at your joints you CANNOT be aware of them.

Take home messages:

  • Frequently look at your body and joints to increase postural awareness
  • Push yourself into high degrees of torsion in opposite directions to your everyday posture
  • Change jobs to work in a low G environment

A freaky ripped doctor that is!

When in the gym, the ONLY thing we care about, is getting huge. Studies have shown that the huger a bodybuilder gets, the harder it makes them workout, but the actual cause of getting huge is unknown – probably down to individual genetics.

Sometimes, a freak event occurs, whereby, for some unknown reason, an ‘injury’ occurs. By ‘injury’, I mean anything that ‘hurts’. Studies have shown that damaging muscle actually makes it grow back stronger. If you damage a muscle by 10% it will grow back 10% or 14% stronger! Clearly, then we need to create as much damage as possible, although the maximum damage is limited to 100% (presumably where the muscle is ripped off the bone).

Obviously, you don’t want to cause a very high amount of damage too often, as you will be damaging the already damaged muscle, and the body is unable to ‘multitask’ which means it CANNOT do more than 1 thing at once (because the brain only has 1 cerebral cortex), including fixing 2 sets of damages at the same time .

What I have deduced though, is that all of these events can be logically connected together – if you damage yourself, your body heals stronger and you get huger, and when you get huger that makes you work harder, which causes more damage! This secret and well known fact is not widely publicized for the single reason of keeping the medical industry well funded. Contrary to popular belief, when you have an ‘injury’ you should not rest, but use the opportunity to train even harder. I have simulated the results below:

graph

As you can see, the injury will heal gradually over time, but there is a point where, if you train hard enough, you can actually simulate going back in time AND getting stronger, i.e. ‘supercompensation’. This is just my theory at the moment and not based on research.

Of course, everything should not revolve simply around getting huge, as there are many other factors which come into play such as fitness, flexibility, dexterity, passion and flair.

Laparoscopic lifting

July 13, 2009

When lifting weights, we want to avoid injury at all costs, and one way of doing this is to limit the range of motion. So what we’re after is to MOVE AS LITTLE AS POSSIBLE whilst still getting maximum results. This is where laproscopic lifting comes into play.

Laproscopic techniques originate from surgery, where keyhole operations provide less chance of infection, and much faster recovery times. Of course, faster recovery in theatre can be taken to the gym to give faster recovery there too.

What we want is only move in the middle of our range of motion. Take bicep curls as an example, if you lock your elbow out, hard, that is the lower edge of your movement. Now if you jam your arm up, hard, that is the upper edge. Of course, the middle bit must be the best because it is in between the top and bottom, where the muscle is thickest.

Lift the weight to the middle of your range of motion, in a bicep curl, that’s when your arm is parallel to the floor. Then just oscillate (move back and forth/up and down) very quickly. The aim is to move as little as possible, so 1cm oscillations are ideal. Do this for as long as possible.

This works with any exercise, for example, when doing pullups, pull yourself half way up, then jiggle around until you drop off the bar with exhaustion. During squats, get halfway towards the floor, then vibrate a tiny amount up and down until you collapse.

If you find it hard to stay within the small range of motion, you ca use external aids to help you. I cut a circle of card out and hang it from the ceiling, then I put my hand through the circle and pick up the weight, and try to jiggle the weight up and down whilst using the edges of the circle to guide me in hoe far to move.

Of course, it is absolutely necessary to work the full range of motion. So sometimes you need to jiggle around in other parts of your range, not just the middle. When doing hammer curls, try pumping the weight up an down furiously at a low level, around your upper thigh.

Laproscopic lifting is the way to get thicker muscles in less time with faster recovery and less chance of infection.

Savage training

July 10, 2009

Training like an animal for gene expression is a school of thought from anthropologists who subscribe to the notion that we should imitate our ancestors as closely as possible to express the true, original purpose of our physicality.

This is logical, since human genes haven’t evolved much over the last few thousand years, yet our environment has. Essentially, we are ancient beings in a modern world. Getting closer to what our ancestors did is a way of ensuring that we are fitting our exercise pattern to our genetic makeup, rather than vice versa.

In practice, this means ditching workout technology and regressing into an animalistic state. I discovered that there is a deep psychological barrier to achieving this technique. At first you may feel, ‘out of place’, unnatural, embarrassed, or even ashamed. It takes practice and peace of mind to be able to truly regress, but once you have mastered it your body will be more effective than ever before because you will be mimicking actions it evolved to cope with over thousands of years. I have documented several stages that you might hope to progress through:

  • Wimpy 1×1 – Basically the natural state of modern man, you feel normal.
  • Hard core 4×4 – You have increased your training intensity. You perform compound exercises with heavy weights instead of isolated exercises.
  • Wild boar 8×8 – You have regressed into an animal state. You eat raw meat. You use primal screaming therapy to roar and shriek. You sprint on all fours. You grow extra chest hair. You will become more scared of lions. You lift rocks and kill pigeons.
  • Sunscore 16×16 – The highest achievement possible. I suspect it is possible to go above wild boar 8×8 as there is always another level, HOWEVER much you achieve you can ALWAYS continue to push yourself that little bit more, to learn and progress.

These states are merely psycho-physical transient descriptions, in practice you need to think more like an animal, act more like an animal. Shun modern lifestyle and technology. Don’t speak to other humans. Take cold showers. Poop outdoors. Only lift weights made ‘of the earth’ (rock, iron etc). Dig up roots and shrubs and eat them raw. Remember, ‘Nothing of the Earth can hurt you’, and ‘Think wild boar to become wild boar’

Myo-faceial release

July 10, 2009

I have read about a new technique called myo-faceial release. ‘Myo’ originating from the Greek root word meaning muscle, and ‘faceial’ meaning ‘pertaining of or to the face’.

Essentially, it involves pressing your muscles hard against a semi-yielding surface such as dense foam, or a tennis ball. I bought a foam roller to try out this technique, I like the idea of it, but I have to say afterwards, my face was a bit sore.

I did used to get a tense, aching sensation in my jaw muscle a lot, so I worked that area most of all. The idea is to put as much pressure on the muscle as possible, so laying on the roller on the floor is ideal. This technique is painful, but its kind of ‘good pain’. Balancing on my face was quite difficult, but that simply provides more opportunity to work the core muscles. I worked my cheeks, chin, upper lip, forehead, and sides of neck.

In summary, foam rolling your face can be good if you have particularly tight muscles there, but the idea of buying a £15 foam roller just for your face isn’t appealing. Additionally, it can leave a sore feeling and unsightly bruising.

Vocational Inspiration

July 8, 2009

What do footballers, martial artists, golfers and darts players have in common? They workout according to their needs. They incorporate specific exercises that will help them with their sport and essentially their day to day life. Only by replicating daily occurrences in life into the gym, will you truly feel like a “natural athlete”.

For example – If you take the tube/train to work, replicate the swaying motions by standing on a swiss ball and if you normally hold on to something, then hang a towel from the smith machine and grab it for support. This will work your core muscles and mimic that gruelling journey to Moorgate.

If you are desk-bound most of your working day, tapping away at the keyboard – then develop a workout to suit you. Tie weighted strings to each one of your fingers. Then, try sitting on the edge of a bench and with your arms extended parallel to the floor, palms facing down and wiggle your fingers furiously. You may even want to listen to office sounds whilst working out or even ask a friend to randomly call you on your phone during the workout to imitate vocational stress levels.

Whatever your profession – improve your daily life by emulating your life in the gym – remember the mantra “I train for the train, workout is my work”.

Very Specific training

July 7, 2009

If you want to have big pecs, you should train your pecs. Although this may seem obvious, it is only so because as we developed as children, the ‘law of specificity’ was treated as common sense, so we learned to associate or ‘infer’ actions and reactions.

When in the gym, you should think about why you are doing each and every exercise (‘because you see other people doing it’ is not a good enough reason). Conversely, you should examine your body’s weak points and question how they could be addressed.

I have been doing some research by logging everything I do over the last year and calculating its effectiveness, and I can now reveal my ‘very specific training plan’:

It is absolutely essential that you perform a bench press 40 times per year, and ensure that 12% of your workouts are dominated by bicep curling 22% of your body weight with an EZ bar whilst looking in the mirror, 1.5 hours after eating breakfast.

It is equally imperative that whilst performing 1 legged squats on your left leg on a wooden floor, you exhale for 3 seconds on the way up. Each year you should perform 190 sets of lat pulldown with your grip 15 inches apart and your knees7.5 inches apart, whilst wearing a tight black t shirt and being spotted by a male friend in a warm room.

You should breathe in when releasing the weight.

The best time to perform ab crunches is May 18th at 6.55am. You should ensure that you drink 2 cups of chocolate milk from an aluminium container 12 minutes after performing a deadlift with an alternate grip using an Olympic bar.

You should pay £28 per month for your gym membership, and it is vital that when your scapulae are 9 degrees from full extension when performing cable rows on a leather seat that a receptionist called Alison should enter the room and notify you that you had forgotten your towel.

More results are emerging all the time, but the above guidelines should more or less give you what you need in a workout. You will almost definitely see some approximate increase in your performance using these heuristics.

6 minute workout

June 26, 2009

The 6 minute workout

Sometimes you get stronger by not training

If you allow your body to fully recover it can not only heal itself back to prior levels, but supercompensate, giving greater gains in size and strength and higher levels of fitness and conditioning.

This is why I advocate the 6 minute workout. Once every other week.

If you think about it, 6 minutes is actually a long time, 360 seconds, or 360,000 milliseconds. By picking just 1 exercise and performing just that in 6 minutes, you will achieve several things:

  • Ramped up hormone levels. Your body is sitting around for almost 2 weeks (or 1 209 600 000 milliseconds), then POW you smack it right in the face with a hyper-intense workout! The adrenal shock alone can cause muscle growth spurts.
  • Psychological profiling. Your mind is relaxing, focussing on social and pleasant things, then you come along and BAM smack it in the face with a highly stimulating routine. Don’t worry though, just 6 minutes later at the peak of the supercomp trough, you let it continue on its easy ride
  • Less prone to injury. The less you train, the less likely you are to be injured
  • Increased energy. The less energy you exert in workouts, the more you will have for general life
  • Increased time to spend on other activities. Only 6 minutes a fortnight working out leaves you masses of free time.

The changes in tempo surprise your body so it never knows what’s coming and has to stay permanently prepared. If you’ve ever heard a PT advise people to take a rest day, you’re already party to some very special knowledge. What you may not have known is the PT himself is probably taking 10 rest days. THAT’S 10 TIMES THE ACTIVE HEALING POWER!

Example routine:

1st January – 6 minutes of bench press

14th January – 6 minutes of pullups

21st January – 6 minutes of squats

28th January – 6 minutes of crunches

During the 6 minute workout, do as many sets of 5 as possible, with 1 minute rest between sets.

The only other thing better than this workout is the 5 minute workout, and if you can figure out how to do that you’re in line for the McArthur prize. Obviously, 4 minutes or less would be ridiculous – you need some stimulation otherwise you won’t make any progression.

CLLIP

June 26, 2009

Constant Low Load Interval Plyometrics (CLLIP)

I know many of you are always on the lookout for a new way of training, well CLLIP will definitely form a new a string to your bow.

The principle behind this exercise is simple: take a light weight (low load), and throw it plyometrically from one hand to the other, CONSTANTLY. Repeat this with varying speeds for between 1 and 10 minutes.

As an example, I throw a 1kg dumbbell from hand to hand whilst seated for up to 10 minutes.

Why do this? It hones in and specifically targets the arm muscle. The plyometric aspect enhances proprioceptive awareness because your neural network is constantly working to calculate the minute differences in angle and trajectory, and over time you will develop a much more acute spatial awareness which aids sports, martial arts and accuracy of technique when using free weights. Doing this constantly for several minutes is excellent at building up arm endurance in the fast twitch fibres.

The only downside to this technique is that it can be mentally boring as performing the same action again and again does not stimulate the brain organ much. To combat this, I find that facing a mirror helps; sit very close and focus hard on your form.

Next time you see a guy facing the mirror lobbing a puny weight neurotically from hand to hand, remember that he’s not a ‘n00b’ but probably an elite athlete so give him a knowing wink.