We all know that aggravating a swan will lead to injury. We all know that eating a pie will lead to death. But did you know that simply looking at food induces a physiological reaction? Even thinking about a food causes your body to recreate the situations that occur when you eat that food.

For example, looking at ice cream causes your pancreas to squirt out a shot of insulin, and looking at bread can cause Palsys, death, or worse.

Some of you may have difficulty believing this, and indeed, this is the most controversial topic I have written on, but I could point you to many, many scientific articles which prove out this point. As a child I’m sure you learned in school about the famous dog called Pavlov, who not only invented a meringue-based dessert, but also invented the conditioned-response.

The conditioned-response is the logic that all modern computers work on – you perform an action and the PC gives a conditioned response because the little people who build them have conditioned this response over many thousand times.

Therefore, logically, we can understand that every time we put a food inside of ourselves, our body reacts to it through numerous responses (salivation, insulin, peristalsis, absorption, quivering etc). Pure anticipation of the food being inserted into our body can give rise to EXACTLY the same symptoms –without the food even TOUCHING us!

Only strictest thought control processes can control our body’s subconscious reactions to looking at, touching, smelling, or even thinking about food (of course, Hitler used this to great effect). I estimate through my many experiements, that every time you say the word ‘waffle’ you gain 0.012 lbs of fat.

Be warned.

None legged squats

January 11, 2010

I have been quiet for the past couple of months because I have been doing 1 legged squats. I plotted a graph of my exercises versus gains, and to my surprise, found that 1 legged squats gave me a lot more gains than ordinary squats;

Using half the legs gave twice the results!

Therefore, logically, using no legs would give a whopping 400% gain. But how can this be achieved in practice? Here are some tips:

  • Jump in the air as you perform your reps, for example, whilst doing a bicep curl, jump as high as you can, then quickly curl the weight up before landing.
  • Perform the negative part of the rep on the ground, and the contraction in mid air.
  • Remember to breathe
  • Use a lighter weight than normal, as going none-legged will challenge you much more
  • If you already have no legs, you already have an advantage

As we know, moving from a solid floor to a swiss ball provides a less stable surface, which means you need to activate your core muscles more to cope with the instability. Air is much less stable than a swiss ball, so by doing exercises in mid air not only are you working your muscles harder, your core has to cope with the less stable surface as well…bonus! So…

If you’re not making enough gains, just use less legs

You snooze, you lose…

October 6, 2009

…YOUR LIFE.

It has been known for some time that sleep and death are closely related…actually death is just a very very very long sleep, and when you are asleep you are technically dead (its only the suns rays and your internal body clock that revive you every morning.)

It’s time that someone stood out against conventional wisdom and fought against sleep. Just because every magazine and TV programme claims sleep is beneficial for you, doesn’t mean that’s true. It’s important to stand back and question these ‘facts’ which most people follow unquestioningly.

Time for a wake up call: sleep is bad.

  • Every minute spent sleeping is a minute not spent awake, and when you’re not awake you can’t do cool things like stroke dogs or sculpt your guns. Ergo, sleep stops you doing cool things.
  • Every minute you sleep is a minute you are at rest, and as I have shown, rest is THE WORST thing for you as it makes you weak. Ergo sleep = weakness.
  • Every minute you are asleep is a minute you are not eating, and as you know, you should be eating LITERALLY ALL THE TIME. Sleep = starvation (why do you think it’s called ‘break-fast’?)

Sleep also stimulates the sleep gland which lies behind the eyes, it is the gland which is referred to as the ‘3rd eye’ by ancient Indian yogis. The sleep gland pulsates during sleep and can cause headaches and toxin excretion which comes out of your ears nose and throat, which is why you wake up in the morning with stuff in your eyes and bad breath. The sleep gland also causes hangovers. You can drink as much alcohol as want, as long as you don’t sleep, and you won’t get a hangover.

Eventually sleep builds up and causes death. Although that process takes around 70 years, if you never slept you could live to be thousands of years old (nobody has ever tried this so there is no evidence yet). There is no clinical need for sleep, only a psychological need.

The next time you feel yourself dozing off, punch yourself in the face and be ashamed of yourself for giving in to the urge to sleep, if you don’t dedicate yourself to hardships and training you will never get anywhere in life.  Kick your sleep habit. Right in the face.

If you are finding it really hard to not sleep, don’t be hard on yourself, every minute less you can sleep is better for you. You will still get the results you want without having to dedicate yourself 200%.

Land on your own moon

August 11, 2009

No matter what ANYONE tells you, DON’T listen.

As we travel through life, many people will attempt to give you advice. They will draw that advice from their own sphere of knowledge, however, this will NEVER align to your own experiences and values. So, you should NEVER heed this advice. No matter WHAT advice anyone tries to give you, you should ALWAYS completely ignore it. Everything you hear and read should be totally dismissed. All external information is irrelevant, out of date and biased.

What I am trying to tell you is that if your friend says he knows how to gain 50 pounds of muscle in a week, and even if he proves that he actually can do this, do NOT pay even the slightest attention to this. Gaining 50 pounds of may be his target – his ‘moon’, and he may be capable of ‘landing’ on that ‘moon’, but you are ‘not’ because he is him and you are ‘you’.

At times you will question whether you are doing the right thing – whether decisions you have made are correct. The very fact that you are questioning shows that you ARE doing the right thing. And if you’re not questioning whether you’re doing the right thing, that’s even BETTER as you are so confident that you don’t CARE if you’re doing the right thing. And if you had never even thought about questioning what you were doing until you read this post about questioning what you are doing, then THAT is the highest level of achievement as it shows you do not require external SPHERES of influence as you operate solely on your own plane of existence.

You only need to read, absorb and follow this advice, to improve your outlook on life.

Toxin tourniquets

August 6, 2009

As you know, toxins are the WORST thing possible. And THE worst thing for controlling toxins is blood flow. Blood literally ‘flows’ around your body almost 24 hours a day, and with this action it carries the toxins to almost every part of your body.

Luckily, there is, a simple solution to this problem. By simply removing the blood from your body you can limit the amount of damage that is done to the area by toxins. Using a tourniquet to prevent blood flow is an ancient tradition – just tie something tightly around your body. I recommend starting with a limb, rather than tourniqueting your WHOLE body.

This needs to be done approximately every 31 days to ensure that the cycle of toxin build up is reduced. The only limb you should NEVER apply this technique to is the head.

Upward inflections?

July 24, 2009

Where am I?

You can answer questions like this if you only stop to question? Questioning things is the MOST important thing we can do? Every action you perform is motivated by a factor and you have to ask yourself WHY this factor is motivating you?

A lot of people ask me, “How can I fit mediation within my lifestyle?”, or “How do I get to level 4 in Scientology?”, well here’s some practical advice about how philosophy can fit into YOUR life:

Simply question everything?

By adding an upward inflection to the end of every sentence, you can phrase it as a question? By upward inflection, I mean raising the pitch of your voice at the end of a sentence? Or partial sentence?

Don’t dismiss this habit as ‘silly?’ or ‘ridiculous?’? It is a framework within which you can acclimatise yourself to the habit of questioning your life? Once you learn to question everything, clarity will emerge? And by everything, I mean absolutely EVERYTHING? For example, if somebody answers the phone with a “Hello”, you should respond with an inquiry “Hello?”? Sing song lyrics in an inquisitive way, admonish criminals curiously and interact with shop-keeps pryingly?

Good luck?

When working out near very experienced bodybuilders, you may have acknowledged their powerful use of acoustic energy to assist their extreme lifting. Shouting, grunting, groaning and weeping are frowned upon in the civilian areas of the gym, but any huge guy will tell you that screaming is the key to effectiveness.

Studies have shown that making ‘noise’ during a lift increases the effectiveness, efficiency and satisfaction of a lift, increases intra-abdominal pressure, and psychologically motivates the subject. But how and when should you grunt? Essentially, weight lifting follows a parabolic curve of kinetic and potential energy, so you need to start making the noise at the apex of that curve to get best results. Too soon, and your cavity pressure drops, leaving you weak and unsupported. Too late, and you will have missed the opportunity, leaving your depleted fast twitch fibres in a state of anphalactiosis.

So, we know that we should make a noise in the middle of the ROM during a lift…but does it matter what type of noise you make? In fact, it does. Studies have shown that low frequency noises are less effective as they impede the uvulal vortex and reduce oxygen penetration to the aioli in the lungs. This can rapidly lead to a decrease in muscle power of up to 1.3%. Making a slightly higher pitched noise will mitigate this problem.

I also like to combine the noise making technique with NLP or ‘neuro linguistic programming’. Studies have shown that whatever you say actually comes true if repeated enough and with enough conviction. I usually scream adjectives that I want to become when lifting, such as ‘huge’ or ‘mungo’ on every rep, safe in the knowledge that one day I will indeed become mungo. Ironically, ‘huge’ and ‘mungo’ are subjective terms which allows the NLP process to keep going on, as you yourself can define when you are massive enough, which is usually never; this allows you to keep on growing.

Mostly, the noises you hear in the gym are excessive, plates crashing together for instance can be distracting and dangerous and is a noise we NEVER want to hear. But vocal noises are the most effective tool at increasing performance in one quick and easy step, and best of all, it won’t cost you a penny!

Puking is natures way of testing you, like a sergeant major who gets you up at 5am every day for the last year, beasts you on the trail run, even though you have already beaten your personal record twice, and then scrubs you down with a washing up brush until you’re red raw.

If you’ve never worked out until you’ve vomited, you’ve never worked out. Chucking your guts up is your body’s way of saying ‘hold on a sec, I just need to empty myself so it doesn’t all slosh around in here….ok now lets really push it!’. Additionally, it purges toxins from your system as well as giving your rectus abdominus a pretty good workout in the heaving motions. In fact, studies have shown that muscles contract throughout the entire body during vomiting, so not only are you expelling calories, you’re burning them too! Calories are far and away the worst thing in the world of fitness.

If you have worked out at a very high intensity in the past, for example in your first ever kickboxing class, I’m guessing that you probably haven’t been able to sustain this for very long without throwing up all over myself. Don’t panic, just keep going. Darwin has taught us that everything we do is because of natural selection, so puking is descended from 1 person millions of years ago who spontaneously emptied their body to the advantage of their survival. Absolutely any behaviour which we have naturally evolved to perform is natural and healthy and you should encourage yourself to do it as much as possible to strengthen the gene pool. Lots of people mistakenly see vomiting as a sign of ‘illness’, but they are wrong. Is pooping ‘wrong’? How about language and chromosomes and taste? Of course not, because they are all naturally evolved. It’s OK, I’m not racist against Christians…if you are religious I’ll allow your belief that vomiting is ‘magic’.

If you feel really really bad it’s just your body’s way of giving you the thumbs up…haven’t you ever heard of ‘no pain no gain’? You should feel proud that you are really working hard, beyond the limits of most couch potatoes.

Sometimes you might be disappointed that you have worked out really hard and still not vomited…I’m here to tell you it’s ok…it’s happened to us all at one point. Vomiting shouldn’t be the yardstick by which you measure your gains, simply a little bonus that lets you know you have aced out.

In short, throwing up is not only an exercise in itself, it’s a natural method of enhancing your performance.

On days where you were scheduled to work out, but you feel like skipping it because you’re still aching, you are seriously missing out. The worst thing you could possibly do is nothing. Rest is overrated, quoted and re-quoted by everyone as being ‘nature’s healer’ or ‘time to recover’, but this couldn’t be further from the truth.

If your muscles are sore and aching, it is fundamentally important that you go back to the gym and work them out again. It is vitally important to get the blood flowing into the muscle to flush away toxins, and equally imperative to experience full range of motion on the muscle in question, under load.

The worst thing you can do is rest

It is well known that it is the damaging of muscles – micro tears which heal back stronger – which causes growth in size and strength. Then it is completely obvious that more damage = more growth, and more training = more damage. By damaging yourself you will provide the opportunity for your body to adapt with stronger muscles, and when this occurs it is time to ramp up the damage even further. Yes it will hurt, but there’s no need to whine about it. Sometimes pain is your body’s way of telling you to push harder, like a gauntlet in your face, thrown by the atrophied and striated cannons of biceps you will have if you could only learn to rest less. (The word ‘restless’ is actually a corrupted form of the phrase ‘rest less’, which was the motto of the Swedish School of the Advancement and Expression of Physiology.)

Now, I know what you’re thinking; “I can’t train every day” and “I’ve got to get some rest”, and you’re absolutely right. This blog isn’t meant to be taken literally word for word; you need to find your own routine that works for you and fits within the sphere of knowledge you have gained. But whatever you do, don’t have rest days.

You want this?

June 24, 2009

You can do absolutely anything if you are pushed hard enough. In the summer of 2000, I was training in the woods near my home with a friend, and we used to really take our workouts to the limits. We did a lot of iron palm training on phone directories, and then moved on to beating each other like a drum with sticks. On one such occasion, I got so enraged that I screamed “You want this?!” and my forearm instantly increased in density.

It was then that I discovered the power of having someone to push you. And by push you I mean really frak you up.

All you need to implement this technique is 1 or more training partners as it has been proven that no matter how dedicated you are, you will never be able to exert as much effort as if you have to fulfil the expectations of somebody else. This technique will really work for you.

In order to make this technique work, you have to define three things:

A motivation – if you don’t know why you are training you will never reach your goal

A consistent work out time – without consistency you have no platform to progress

A diary of some form – paper, blog, photo, video – some way to track progress. It’s vital to acknowledge where you came from and that you have made great gains, and also that you can still progress much further.

Pick your exercise, it’s not important. You need your training partner to be 100% focussed, that means no chit chat. Get them to check your diary and objectively asses your performance. Are you doing as well as you should/could be? If not they need to lay it down straight. And by that I mean go nuts on you. The harsher they treat you, the more you’ll progress. Ideally they should racially insult you and physically beat you, although mild psychological admonishing can work well. Think about what they want, really hard. Eventually you will reach the point where you can scream “You want this?!” whilst performing an extreme act of dedication, like forcing yourself into the splits, or doing clap pullups.

I’m not saying this technique will work for you, but if you’re open to trying it, it can push you over that plateau.

Just train harder

June 23, 2009

Just train harder

Ever felt like you can’t get out that extra rep? Just push harder. This principle stems from 16th Century German barrel crushers, who trained for a staggering 18 hours per day.

Neurological signals can take several seconds before they are received by muscle fibres, so you need to think ‘harder’ for at least 7 seconds before you give up.

This principle applies across the board, and if you think you are already applying it, you are wrong:

  • Sprinting – When you feel like you can’t sprint any longer, just sprint HARDER
  • Nutrition – if you haven’t met your weight gain goal, don’t eat more, eat HARDER
  • Recovery – if you have delayed onset muscle soreness (DOMS) , or still feel fatigued several days after a workout, relax HARDER

Step by step guide on how to achieve things harder

  1. Define your goal ; lift more reps, more weight, de stress etc
  2. Break down the goal into single steps
  3. Think about each individual step and concentrate on it extremely hard. Fill your whole body with the thought and force of the step for at least 7 seconds.

In summary, don’t do more, do HARDER.