Full contact shaving

November 3, 2011

I’ve recently been shaving. I’ve noticed that I can shave perfectly well, but I’m still not satisfied…I want to deepen my knowledge and technique and have a more aggressive shave. And by aggressive, I mean brutal. You have to be brutal to your hairs. Scientists have shown that hairs evolved from bears, which is why today man is has a natural fear and respect for grizzly bears. By aggressively tackling the problem of hair we can eradicate this fear and live in harmony. But what exactly constitutes an aggressive shave?

I’ve done much reading on the topic and have found that one of the first principles is the ‘stroke’. I immediately stopped reading as its perfectly obvious what this is all about. Apparently you have to stroke in different directions to get a better shave. We all know how much bears like being stroked, so this makes perfect sense. You can have an upwards stroke, a downwards stroke, and a side to side stroke. But this is only 4 strokes…how can we get even more aggressive with only 4 strokes? Clearly, we need more dimensions to stroke in. Time is a dimension, so by stroking the razor quickly or slowly we have invented 2 more strokes. Gravity is also a dimension, so by stroking during a zero G orbit or on a hyperbolic flight that’s a seventh dimension. If you don’t have access to a hyperbolic flight, Just jump up as high as you can, then shave whilst falling down, that should give you a short period of weightlessness.

Apart from strokes, we can make the shave meaner by using a further extended blade. Apparently, the further the blade sticks out from the razor housing, the better – this is full contact shaving. You can buy razors with adjustable blade lengths, but I decided to make my own. I taped 18 razor blades together and glued that onto a handle. Although quite awkward to use, it really does stick our quite far, and gives extremely high contact with my face.

Finally, we can improve the shave by taking the hairs by surprise. Everything our branium thinks is sent out as neural messages to our body. If we think ‘water’, our thirst gland starts to pulsate. If we think ‘shave’, our hairs start to recess into our body to evade the razor. Just don’t even think about it.

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