Cold therapy

July 8, 2011


I have recently been enduring cold therapy; icy showers, sleeping in the fridge, etc, and I have identified the 4 stages of cold exposure:

1.       Fear

The thought of entering cold water is terrifying. If you stopped to think about it for too long you would never do it. This stems from when humans and fish were at war in the olden days. You start trying to pump yourself up, but then you think NO, I am NOT getting in that shower. But then you get super pumped and get right in the shower! Hard!

2.       Pain

This hurts. Sometimes when the water is really cold it literally destroys your energy. Your skin goes red, you shiver violently, and your mammalian reflex kicks in, making you pant, hard. This reflex protected us during the fish wars but is now superfluous. You try to get pumped but your perception of time gets warped and your target of staying in the shower for 3 minutes seems impossible after just a few seconds. You stand perfectly still, growl and roar, and clench your fists with introverted rage.

3.       Numbness

The pain subsides. You get used to the cold. You even get a little bored. Just DON’T move. Only the part of your body under the water has acclimatized and any new body parts getting cold will start you again in stage 2. After a few minutes you lose the sensation in your skin. This mechanism protected us during the fish wars.

4.       Exhilaration

Now you get pumped. And by pumped I mean exhilarated. You think fuck YEAH. This is a pseudo-memory invoked by the spirit of the fish warriors. You still can’t wait to get out of the cold, but now you are kind of enjoying it too.


If you’ve never tried fish before, do it NOW. And by fish I mean cold showers.



One Response to “Cold therapy”

  1. […] I just had an epiphany. Almonds are called ALLmonds because you need to eat ALL of them to be the king of kings. Have you ever noticed that if someone puts a bowl of 10 roasted salted almonds in front of you, you eat ALL of them? If they put down 30 almonds you eat ALL of them? There is literally a bio-physio-chemico connection between the human branium and the almondite (the material that almonds are made of) which causes humans to be unable to resist their lure (salamanders and chimps are immune to this effect due to the pact formed during the times of the fish wars.) […]

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