The secret cathlon – 1 way to release endolphins

August 19, 2009

I recently bumped into someone who told me he is going be in ‘the cathlon’. I have to admit that at first I had no idea what a cathlon is, but I quickly realised it must be some kind of initiation ceremony. I didn’t need to look it up as I can imagine exactly what sort of trials might be included in a cathlon. I would imagine they are –spartan-esque feats of endurance and performance along the following lines:

  • Duelling a fellow competitor whilst both standing on 10 foot high 1 inch wide poles
  • Hauling an immense boulder for 2 miles
  • Sprinting up a hill 42 times
  • Enduring intense psychological torture like having someone scream in your face whilst you are bathed in other peoples sweat, immediately following which you were forced to slay a herd of dog sized ants

Studies have shown that events like these can help to free endolphins. Endolphins are natures performance enhancers – they are a chemical hormone that squirts inside your chest making you bigger, faster and more tolerant to pain and bad moods. I guess the reason why dolphins are always smiling is that dolphins have more Endolphins than any other species. There are other ways to obtain endolphins than eating dolphin organs (please do not try – this is illegal and is why tuna fishing had to be regulated). Basically anything extremely traumatic for your body, like a car crash, will help. Obviously extreme physical trials like cathlons are more convenient, pleasurable and affordable than a car crash.

Anyway, the guy I was talking to was trying to convince me that he was performing 10 trials in his cathlon, which would certainly be an achievement for any Jedi or Spartan, let alone a 21st century urban dweller. Unfortunately, the ceremony is very secret, as I could not persuade the guy to reveal the true nature of the events; he was trying to disguise them by calling them ‘swimming’, etc. Several minutes of intense bartering and even offers of bribes did not persuade him to reveal the truth, and actually made him quite angry. That just goes to show how dedicated he is to the cause. Whichever type of group or association has invented this ‘cathlon’ trial, I urge you to seek them out, as they can teach you more about discipline than I can.

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