Dropping the kids off

July 29, 2009

Sometimes you need to drop one off, hard. And by that I mean lay a cable. Contrary to common belief, pooping is good, because everything in your body is toxic. Toxins in your body can not only jeopardise your health they can also impede your progress, so you need to expel every last ounce of toxin in your system.

To fully flush out your system may be difficult to achieve at first, as some people have a very bad diet and only poop 3 or 4 times a day. Build up slowly to 8 or 9 times a day. 70% of your diet should be all bran at first, and when heaving you need to push VERY hard. It also helps to hover above the porcelain mouth to allow blood to flow to your legs; blood flow is THE most important factor in toxin removal.

If you do expel a tremendous monstrosity of a beast in one swift motion, you may feel disconcerted at the sudden feeling of vacuousness within you. Don’t panic. This is normal, its just that your body has become used to feeling ‘full’ and needs to readjust to the lack of toxins.

Tip: Aim to birth a terrifically large fiend into the bleached canal of your toilet: studies have shown that heaving out a brute removes more toxins than crimping off a nugget. Try to make a ‘builder’; that is to resist the first urge to evacuate and wait for as long as possible, but not more than 2 days. By this time the process should be complete and you can release the stool.

Sometimes you may experience ‘weekers’- that’s what I call turds that make you screech “weeeeeek” – which can be a curiously painful 1st experience. Again, this is nothing to worry about and although it may rupture a ring piece it shouldn’t cause you to acquiesce to the demands of your bowel.

After practising Hyper-regular fouling for a few weeks, you will require 1 week of ‘turd loading’. This is to ensure your body does not get too low on toxins, which can cause you to go into a mild type of shock which might impede progress. Studies have shown that by ‘keeping’ or ‘building’ the poop inside your body you can reabsorb some of the nutrients that would otherwise have been lost. This also allows you time to regain the musculature of your sphincter. This can be achieved by inserting a spring and clenching down on it.

In summary, don’t be scared of the bowl, it is your friend; drop as regulalrly as possible to purge toxins from your system.

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